Lately, I feel disoriented and a little nauseous.
Grief is a stormy sea. Footing that seemed so sure yesterday, is no longer reliable. My ship is being tossed about on furious waves. The natural tendency in the storm is to run away, to escape the rough seas, and to curl up and wait for the storm to pass. However, every seasoned sailor knows that going below deck only magnifies the motion and will leave you even more disoriented.
What helps is to come up for fresh air and to put your eyes on the horizon. This gives your brain a steady point of reference. Your body begins to stabilize with the horizon instead of the sloshing of the boat. In the chaos, there is a point of stillness.
Coming up in the midst of the storm takes strength and courage. It has taken me awhile to gather enough of either of those. A special friend of mine, one who has been where I am and is in the midst of her own storm, has encouraged me to keep looking up. And I am looking up in so many ways.
Slowly, I am lifting my eyes to the horizon of the natural world I love so much. And there it is, doing what it has always done- my point of stillness in the storm.
My horizons these days:
Trout lilies dancing beside sparkling waters. Opening right on cue. Golden sunshine in the dreary depths of winter. Just quietly waiting for me to show up and making space for my heart to heal.
The woodcock silhouette soaring on warbling wings towards the February stars. The skydance means the woodcocks have not given up on the hope of a future.
The call of the great-horned owl emerging in the dark morning hours. Just like last year and the year before.
Wood frog eggs still appearing in ephemeral pools. Courageous in the face of assured frozen days to come.
The mountains of the Jocassee Gorges, still standing. Unmoved by the waves.
There is a quiet steadiness in the cycles. My feet may not be steady, but the natural world is. I feel an assurance that storms can come and go, that the landscape can be drastically shifted, even. But life will keep on showing up and trying to make good of it. That the process is reliable. I am keeping my eyes up, looking towards the horizon of the Blue Wall.
Well you KNOW I love this one!
Beautiful.