'the part of the hike that kinda sucks'

I’ve been hiking up a steep hill and it has been hard to walk and talk. My writing has been brewing and some words have been scribbled on pages. But until yesterday, I have not been able to catch my breath. Even now, I should be out making money, but I needed a minute. I needed to give you a minute. 2024 was a year for all of us.

“Summarize your year in one short phrase.”

Yesterday, my daughter and I headed to our last coffee date of the year. She tossed this to me from a list of reflection questions about the year. The blinker ticked as I thought about it. How would I summarize a year that was nothing like I expected it to be, that I was ready to move on from? We pulled into a parking place and I listed possible words describing my year: struggles, confusing, lost, stalled, fricking hard, the unknown, at moments despairing. Yet, there were also: surprises, joy, love, hope, friendship, and encouragement. I needed to think about how to put this all into one phrase. As we sat at our table, steaming mugs warming our hands, we explored our journeys through the year a bit further. Finally, I settled on the phrase:

“the part of the hike that kinda sucked”

When 2024 began, I was filled with a daring hopefulness. I knew it was going to be a transition time. I was looking into a year of a certain shift and uncertain destination with my career. I was helping my boyfriend navigate his aging parent’s cancer journey. I was anticipating the birth of my sister’s baby girl. I was excited about a trip to NYC with my aunt, and a few trips with students. These were the things I knew going into 2024. It felt exciting, difficult, and challenging. I had a lot to look forward to. My vision board was adventurous. Like a good backpacking trip, I knew it would be hard, but I was sure it would be fun and I felt confident I could handle it. It turns out, I fully underestimated the hard parts.

What I didn’t know going into this year was how heavy my pack would become and how many unexpected turns there would be.

My sister ended up having a traumatic birth, and almost dying. Her daughter was in the ICU for 26 days. There were times we were not sure if she would make it. But she did.

This year one of my closest friend’s sons (my son’s childhood best friend) was diagnosed with cancer. It was gut-wrenching to see her be dealt that blow knowing there was not much any of us could do but be there for each other.

This was the year of the unforeseen Hurricane Helene, the year my mom lost her home and almost her life. Trying to help her find a way to rebuild her life when I had nothing to give was heavy.

This year, my boyfriend’s mom outlived her cancer prognosis, only to be diagnosed with dementia and need to be transitioned into assisted living. This looks so much simpler typed than it was in real life.

This was the year the line between life and death seemed precarious.

This was the year I confidently left one job to find environmental education work closer to home. I did not expect to still be job searching in December, working hard to piece together jobs. I did not expect this part of the journey to take such a toll on my confidence and my bank account.

These are all the parts that kinda sucked.

They were hard and heavy, making me look at that vision board and wonder what I was thinking. These weren’t the challenges I anticipated. When my girls were in high school, we often hiked to waterfalls with their friends. The catch to waterfall hiking is that there is always a part of the trail that kinda sucks. Waterfalls, by nature, carve deep troughs. And to get to them, you have to travel steep trails. But the rewards of swimming at the base or soaking in the spray kept us going again and again. Like all good journeys, thankfully, the hard parts don’t take up the whole path.

There are beautiful parts that sneak in and catch you by surprise.

The parts of 2024, I expected to be wonderful were. I had a fabulous trip to NYC with my aunt. I got to hold my precious niece in my arms. I said a tender goodbye to my old school with all of us feeling we would be in each other’s hearts forever. I spent time with my people beside many campfires in my backyard and hangouts on my front porch. I spent some time learning more about writing. I savored every Jocassee moment I was granted.

The joy-filled parts I wasn’t expecting were all the sweeter.

I had no idea I would be holding a beautiful, new granddaughter in my arms by the end of the year. I had no idea watching my daughter confidently embrace motherhood would fill me with such pride.

I was surprised when I casually joined another daughter for a trail race. We both won first place in our age groups, a feat likely to never be repeated (by me at least), yet one that brought unexpected joy along the journey.

I was touched to the core by the quick generosity of everyone who jumped to help my mother and family rebuild. I was reminded that we don’t have to do this journey alone. So many of you helped bear our burdens. I watched this beautiful story play out for many who had lost everything.

I had no idea this year would hold a wedding celebration. I was honored to stand on the beach beside one of my best friends as she married her soul mate. Migrating butterflies floated by the dozens through the air. I couldn’t help but think of the chances at new life we all get sometimes.

My vision board plans for my ‘future job’ did not land me in a long-term sub job teaching 5th graders science. I was counting on something more permanent by then. Yet, how thankful I am that I ended up there! 5th graders who were gracious and sweet and blessed me in so many ways and let me teach them about animal ecology.

My 2023 self did not anticipate the golden privilege of walking the hard parts of the journey with people I love. I did not imagine the many gifts of revisited friendships I would experience this year. I did not fully understand how precious each small gift would be this year.

Maybe a better phrase for my year would be

“the suck can be beautiful too”

I asked my boyfriend how he would summarize this year. He thought for a minute and said:

“The year of boxed cornbread”

He explained homemade cornbread is the best but sometimes you can’t have that. Boxed cornbread can still be good. You can even spice it up a little. Mostly you remember it is really about the people you share it with.

So I am taking this pause in my journey to think about how the parts that have kinda sucked have been interlaced with the beautiful parts. I hope you can say the same.

I do not even want to guess what 2025 could look like. Maybe I will still be hiking up steep mountains. Maybe I will be spending time at the beautiful views. But I will be getting out there and I won’t let the parts that kinda suck stop me from embracing the journey and finding wonder along the way.

What phrase summarizes your year?